"John Edwards dropped out of the race. He says he wants to spend more time with his haircut."
- Letterman
"The Kennedys came out for Barack Obama. The next big party endorsement is from Al Gore. Both Barack and Hillary are going all out to try to avoid that one."
"Today was the Florida primary. I worry about John McCain because usually when a man his age comes to Florida, they don’t leave."
- Ferguson
"Exit polls show Bill’s campaigning actually hurt Hillary. Gee, I hope that doesn’t create any tension in their marriage."
- Leno
"Dennis Kucinich has dropped out of the presidential race. He’s going back to his old job as a Keebler elf.
I’m not saying Dennis was short, but he tossed in the hand towel."
- Leno
"Happy birthday to Ellen DeGeneres. Fifty years old today. I’m starting to worry she’ll never find the right guy."
"How about that Mitt Romney? He looks like an American president portrayed in a Canadian movie."
- Letterman
"What a cold day. It was so cold, I saw a flasher on Hollywood Boulevard wearing a sign on his raincoat saying, “Objects May Be Smaller Than They Appear."
